Losing It
by Tabogen
Summary: Overcome by her hallucinations, Elena looks to Damon for help. She doesn't expect things to get so heated and out of hand. Definitely rated M.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

She couldn't take it anymore. The blood. The guilt. She looked down at her hands. They seemed so tiny. Weak, even. But they were the hands of a murderer. They had snapped the neck of a living, breathing human only hours before.

Elena stood up from her bed and began pacing around the room. She grabbed the fifth of vodka she kept on her dresser and chugged it straight from the bottle. Although it tasted better than Damon's bourbon, it did nothing to steady her shaking hands.

Closing her eyes, Elena attempted to steady herself. Her mind snapped back to the blood-splattered bathroom.

Her heart raced. KILLER. That's all she was anymore. It was all she would ever be.

She took a deep breath and reached for her cell. Elena knew she needed help, but from whom? If she saw Stefan right now, she would probably just jump down his throat. Allying with Klaus, after all they'd been through? No. Bonnie, obviously, was out of the question. She wouldn't understand. Elena couldn't expect her to. Caroline, of course, would be supportive. She understood bloodlust.

Elena slammed the bottle down. It shattered as it made contact with her dresser. This wasn't a matter of bloodlust. She hadn't drained Connor. She had killed him out of anger. Hatred. Caroline wouldn't understand.

A knock came to her door.

"Everything okay? I thought I heard something break."

"It's fine, Jer," Elena struggled to keep her voice calm. "Just… I don't always know my own strength."

"Oh… Okay. Well, if you need anything…"

"Yeah, I know. Thanks."

She definitely couldn't tell Jeremy. She needed him to think she was just like the sister he had before the accident. What would he think if he found out his only living relative was just as vengeful and bloodthirsty as the rest of them? What about Matt? She couldn't bear the possibility of harming him again.

That left only one person she was still close to.

_No. Absolutely not. Look what happened the last time you involved him in your vampire adjustment issues._

Her finger lingered over the call button. She knew she should call Stefan, but did she really want to involve him? Sure, she may have had some not-so-innocent thoughts about his brother when she lost control of herself, but his betrayal spoke volumes of his loyalty to her. She hit call.

Damon picked up almost immediately. "What's up?"

"I'm… having a problem. Something's wrong."

He sighed. "Isn't this something you should be asking Stefan about? I thought _I_ was a bad influence."

"Look," Elena struggled to keep her voice calm. "I can't deal with Stefan right now. I'm afraid I might… snap."

"Well, Stefan knows all about snapping…"

She struggled to keep herself from crushing the phone in her hand. "Can you help me or not? Please, Damon."

"Okay, fine. I'm in the neighborhood, anyway. I'll be over in a minute."

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm her nerves.

"So what's wrong this time?"

Elena jumped to her feet with a start. Damon frowned. He looked annoyed.

"How did you-"

"Do that?" You're a newbie vamp. Your senses are still a little out of whack. Don't worry; I won't be able to surprise you like that forever."

"Just when I thought my days of vampires sneaking in through my window were over…" she rolled her eyes.

"So what's going on? You sounded a little freaked."

"This whole Connor thing-"

"Look, why are you struggling so much with this? He was hunter. You're a vampire. Hunters kill vampires. Vampires kill hunters. It's the natural order of things. He would've staked you in a heartbeat."

Elena started pacing again. "I… I dunno. Are hallucinations normal in new vampires? Like… as a coping mechanism for guilt or something?"

Damon furrowed his brow. "What? No, our coping mechanism is our humanity trigger. And what do you mean, hallucinations?"

"When I walked into my bathroom…" she hesitated. "There was blood. Everywhere. Almost like I had killed someone and - and ripped them to pieces. I fell down, and it was gone. Damon, I don't wanna be a ripper! This can't-"

Elena could feel tears welling in her eyes. She cursed her heightened emotions. Damon reached for her hand and squeezed it tightly, pulling her in for a hug. She put her head on his chest and listened to his calm breathing.

"Listen to me, Elena," he whispered. "You're not a ripper. You're never gonna be a ripper."

She pulled back. "You can't possibly know that."

Damon touched her face gently, tucking his thumb under her chin. His sharp eyes stared back at her, both intense and soothing.

"You're afraid of becoming like Stefan, of turning off your humanity. But even now you're keeping yourself in better check than he did when he was new. I just don't understand why you've convinced yourself that the alternative is worse."

"The alternative?"

"Being like me."

Elena pulled away from him. "That's not the point, Damon. I don't know what's going on, and apparently, this isn't some normal transition thing. But if you can't help me, maybe you should just leave."

"Hey, that's not what I meant. I'm sorry. Just tell me what you need."

"Well, since neither of us seem to know what's going on, I could use a stiff drink."

Damon snorted as he looked at the broken vodka bottle. "I see that went over well. Do you have anything else?"

Elena walked over to her dresser and pulled out a bottle of rum. "I'm an eighteen-year-old vampire who's dealing with constant cravings. Of course I do."

"Glasses?"

"I usually just drink it straight these days," Elena unscrewed the lid and chugged.

Damon sat down on Elena's bed, watching her with a smirk. "You're taking it like a champ!"

She rolled her eyes. "Want some?"

"Calico Jack. _Classy_."

Elena smiled at him, hands on her hips. "Yeah, well, sorry I'm not an old vampire who has a taste for some bygone whiskey."

"I enjoy the finer things in life," Damon toasted with the bottle before taking a swig, wrinkling his nose as he swallowed. "Ugh… Elena, this is just… bad."

"If you don't want it, I'll take it back."

Elena reached forward and grabbed the bottle, but he refused to let go. Damon tugged it forward, pulling her with it. She tried to wrestle the bottle away from him, but he pulled it out of her grasp and held it behind his back.

"Older means stronger, remember?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe," Elena conceded. "But it doesn't mean smarter."

She straddled Damon's hips and attempted to wrestle the bottle from his hands. He let the bottle roll to the side without a second glance. Elena barely noticed as it rolled off the bed and sloshed onto the floor. She swallowed, suddenly all too aware that Damon's body was beneath hers. He stared at her, mouth slightly agape. Suddenly, finally, it was all too much. Elena felt as though her heart would explode if she didn't kiss him.

Elena leaned forward, pressing her forehead against Damon's. His warm breath slipped down her neck, igniting every passion in her body. She pressed her lips against his, kissing him furiously, eagerly welcoming his tongue. Slipping her hand into his hair, she kept him close as she pushed him onto his back. Damon gripped her waist, pulling their bodies together.

His bulge grew underneath her. She wanted more. Needed more. With her newfound strength, Elena ripped off his shirt and threw it on the floor. Damon grabbed Elena by the hips and threw her onto her back. She sighed as he traced his tongue down her neck.

"It's not enough, is it?" he whispered, kissing her ear.

She groaned as Damon slipped his hand under her back and undid her bra. He lifted her shirt halfway up her midriff and began kissing just above her jeans. He nipped gently at the sensitive skin, and she leaned into his every movement. He grabbed Elena's breast, kneading as he moved up to kiss her lips once more. Taking her hand and guiding her into a seated position, Damon lifted Elena's shirt over her head. Her unhinged bra remained, though it had slipped down and barely covered her breasts.

"That should probably come off," Damon pulled her close and kissed her half-exposed breast.

She smiled. "Really? I thought I'd just leave it like this."

"You'd better be kidding," he growled.

Elena shook the straps from her shoulders, holding it in place with her arms. "Is that better?"

"You're driving me crazy…" Damon ripped the bra away.

"Oh, God," he groaned, pushing her back onto the bed. He sucked on her right nipple, flicking it furiously with his tongue as he gripped her left breast in his hand. Elena arched back in pleasure. She ached, wishing for some release.

Elena reached up and ran her hand along the crotch of his jeans, pressing against the rock hard bulge. Damon's breath caught in his chest, and he reached down to undo his pants. Elena wrapped her hands around his member and moved them slowly up and down the shaft. He leaned back, eyes closed, completely absorbed in her movements.

Pulling away from Elena's grip, Damon ran his tongue down her belly. He undid the button of her jeans, biting the fabric around her most sensitive areas.

She couldn't take it. It wasn't enough. Elena flipped Damon over on his back and straddled him once more. She ground her pelvis into his, enjoying the much-needed pleasure. Her eyes met his as they moved together.

"You want more," Damon said. "This isn't enough."

Elena breathed heavily. He was right.

"Yeah…" she moaned.

"Yeah what?"

"I need more."

Damon reached up and unzipped Elena's jeans, sliding them down over her hips. She stood up and slipped them onto the ground, suddenly very aware of the fact that she wore nothing but a pair of lacy, black panties.

"Don't get shy on me now," said Damon. He moved close to Elena, tucking his thumb under the fabric of her panties.

She froze as Damon slipped off his jeans and boxer briefs in one swift movement.

"You want this; don't you?" he whispered.

"Yes."

Damon pushed Elena onto the bed, swiftly removing the last piece of fabric on her body. He reached down between her legs, sighing as he rubbed.

Positioning himself between her legs, Damon kissed Elena passionately. He pushed his hard member against her, and she moaned again.

"I need you. Right. Now," she said.

With that, Damon pushed inside of Elena. Her body clenched around his shaft, and they started a slow, steady rhythm. Elena met Damon's eyes. He looked as though he were in complete ecstasy. But there was something more. Elena knew Damon had wanted this for a long time. Even longer than she had. It wasn't just lust, or ecstasy, or at last receiving that release he had longed for for so long. He loved her.

Elena's heart quickened. She felt it, too. This wasn't just lust. It had never been just about lust. She smiled at him, and he grinned back, picking up the pace.

Wrapping her legs around him, Elena gave into his thrusts. She gripped the blankets with her hands, letting Damon's passion consume her completely. With a strong arm around her back, Damon pulled Elena close, pressing her breasts against his chest. He slowed down, but pushed into her harder and harder with every thrust.

She arched back, close to climax. Damon quickened the pace once more, his strength and speed relentless. Overcome with pleasure, Elena let herself go completely. A wave of release washed over her as Damon emptied himself into her.

They breathed heavily, staring at each other without a word. Damon slipped out of Elena, panting as he plopped down on her bed. For several moments neither spoke. Elena closed her eyes, already consumed with guilt over what she had just done to Stefan.

When she opened her eyes, Damon was gone.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Wow, that was the first fic I've written in almost four years, and it was a lemon. Lulz. Are they still called lemons these days? ;) Liked it? Hated it? Feel free to review or flame! My skin's as thick as a crocodile's.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **I went into this telling myself I was going to write a one-shot, but then it just completely exploded with views. I also got several PMs from people telling me I should continue it. Well… I've always been one to give into peer pressure, so I'm going to make it a little longer. I knew where I would go with it if it were a full-length story, anyway. It's not going to be terribly long, but expect four or five chapters.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

Elena stared up at the ceiling, her heart racing. Guilt gnawed at her stomach. Poor Stefan. How could she have done this to him? Sure, he had lied about some shady alliance with Klaus, but she had slept with his brother. Her betrayal was clearly worse. And Damon… that bastard. He had left as quickly as he had come. She knew Damon could be selfish sometimes, but this was ridiculous. For someone who claimed he loved her above all else, he sure was quick to throw her away like an old sock.

Sleep evaded her for the remainder of the night. At daybreak, Elena climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. She needed to wash him away. To get him off of her body and mind. Turning the water up high enough to scald any human, she stepped in and let the water flow over her. She soaped up her loofah and scrubbed him away.

But she couldn't stop thinking about him. The minty scent of his shampoo. The way his breath wisped her neck. His hard, firm kisses. The moment of ecstasy when he finally entered her.

_Get a grip, Elena. _She turned off the water and grabbed her towel. _You're supposed to be with Stefan. You love Stefan. Stefan wouldn't leave you confused and heartbroken and alone._

Pain that burrowed in her heart. She had to confess. After throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater, Elena combed her hair and crept downstairs. Oh, no. Jeremy. What if he had heard them? What would he think?

She couldn't worry about that. Stefan was the priority right now. She had to tell him before Damon let it slip.

When Elena arrived at the boarding house, she took a deep breath and knocked three times.

"Elena?" Damon asked as he opened the door. "Since when do you knock?"

She shoved past him, refusing to meet his eyes. "I need to talk to Stefan."

"Whoa, what the hell? If this is about telling you to kill that hunter-"

"You know what this is about, Damon," Elena said. "Where's Stefan? He needs to know."

"What, exactly, do I need to know?" Stefan appeared in the doorway.

Damon laughed. "Yeah, I'm not getting in the middle of your little lovers' spat. I'm gonna go-"

"No, you're not," Elena ordered. "You're staying right here."

"Look, it's _physically _painful to hear you two go back and forth. And it's really none of my business, anyway."

"How can you say that after what happened?" Elena said, anger surging through her veins. She had to let it out.

"After what happened?" Stefan repeated. "What's going on?"

Elena took a deep breath. "I slept with Damon."

"You… what?" Stefan stepped backward. "How-"

"I'm sorry, Stefan," tears welled in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd be able to do something like this. I guess that's the problem. It's just… not working. We both know it. It hasn't worked since I turned. I'm not the same person anymore. I hate it, but I'm tired of fighting it. I'm so tired of trying to be human!"

Ignoring Elena's plight, Stefan lunged at his brother, shoving him against the wall. He grasped Damon's neck with his hand. Damon tried to break free from the hold, but Stefan's rage overpowered his usual advantage.

"Let him go!" Elena struggled to break them apart.

"How long has this been going on?" Stefan demanded, his voice eerily flat.

"Stefan, I… never… slept with her!" Damon gasped through the chokehold.

"Don't lie to me," he tightened his grip.

"I'm… not… lying!"

"Elena, how long has this been going on?" Stefan refused to take his eyes off of his brother.

"Just put him down and I'll explain!" Elena pleaded.

Stefan hesitated, looked at her, and released Damon's neck. He slumped to the ground.

"It happened last night. It was the only time; I promise," she refused to meet Stefan's eyes.

"Wait, what?" Stefan asked.

"I'll second that," Damon rubbed his neck. "What?"

"I called Damon because I was having these weird hallucination problems with my transition. He came over to help, and… well…"

"What hallucinations? Elena, I didn't leave the house at all last night."

"No," Elena shook her head. "You must've gone out for at least a little while."

"_A little while_? Please," Damon scoffed. "That definitely wasn't me."

"What do you mean, hallucinations?" Stefan pressed.

Elena closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "When I walked into my bathroom last night, it was covered in blood. I freaked out and fell down, and when I looked around again, it was gone. That's when I called Damon."

"You never called me," Damon said. "Check your phone."

Elena scrolled through the feed. Stefan: Saturday at 9:52 AM. The last call she had made.

"How…" she shook her head in disbelief. "No."

She looked at Stefan. He was paler than usual, studying her with both concern and indignation. Damon leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. Elena expected him to crack an ill-timed joke, but he seemed more worried than anything else.

"Look, I'm gonna make a couple calls and try to figure this out," said Stefan. "Damon, why don't you get Elena a drink? She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me."

"Stefan, I-"

"Just let it go for now," Damon said as he led Elena into the kitchen. "What do you want?"

Mortified, she refused to meet his eyes. "It doesn't matter. Um, something strong. And not bourbon."

"People these days have no taste for the finer things in life. Ric would've taken bourbon," Damon rolled his eyes and reached in the cupboard for an old bottle of tequila. He poured her a shot and slid it across the table.

She downed it in an instant and took the bottle from Damon. "I'm gonna need more than that."

"Yeah, I'll bet," said Damon. "Don't worry; we'll figure this out. Stefan's got connections."

"And by connections, you mean he's working with Klaus."

"Look… sometimes you have to make deals with the devil to get what you need."

"What could he possibly need? He crossed a line and you know it," Elena shot back more tequila.

"That explains a lot," Damon smirked. "I have to ask. Do you really think I'd run out on you?"

Elena put her head in her hands. "Look, it was just a hallucination."

"Hallucination or not, you really let it out just now."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you're right. You're not human. There's no use trying to normalize. The world is yours now. Be what you want to be, not what you _used _to think you should be."

"But when I was human, Stefan-"

"Keyword: _was_."

A knock came to the door.

"Oh, joy. I'll bet that's our favorite, psychopathic hybrid here to save the day," Damon said, leading Elena back into the living room.

"You should watch what you say around me, Damon," Klaus said. "Ah, hello, Elena. Congratulations on killing yourself one of the most powerful hunters in the world. I hope you're enjoying the consequences."

"_Of course _you know what's going on," Elena said sarcastically. "Just tell me how to make it stop."

Klaus laughed. "You can't make it stop. None of us can. You need magic. Pity your witch is out of commission. Have fun spiraling into madness."

"Did you come here to gloat, or do you have something useful to say?" asked Stefan. "Having an insane vampire on the loose is the last thing we need right now."

An insane vampire? Is that really what Stefan thought of her? Certainly he was angry for her confession, even though half of it had been a hallucination. But to actually call her insane? That was a little out of line.

"You've obviously dealt with this before," said Damon. "Since you won't hook us up with a witch, what else can we do?"

"I've killed several hunters in my time, but my experience won't help you much," said Klaus. "It's different for everyone. The curse delves into your brain. It brings out your worst fears and your greatest desires."

"It must've been terrible for you, thinking Coldplay broke up," Damon said.

Klaus glared back at him. "Your pathetic attempts at humor are so tiresome. It's no wonder Stefan can't stand you."

Elena clenched her fists together, hardly noticing as her fingernails drew blood. "If you can't help us, why even bother coming over here?"

"I did help you," Klaus opened the door to leave. "You need a witch. Now find a witch. It shouldn't be terribly difficult. Best of luck to you."

Elena slumped onto the couch.

"Greatest desires, huh?" said Stefan.

"Will you let that go?" Elena growled. "It didn't happen!"

"That's not the point!" exclaimed Stefan. "You thought it did! For all you knew, it was real!"

"I can't listen to this," Elena stormed toward the door. "I don't have to listen to this."

She ran out of the house and headed down the driveway. After her second major accident, she hated cars as a general rule. With her newfound vampire speed, they were unnecessary for short distances, anyway.

Elena slowed down when she reached town. She contemplated visiting the Grill to see if Matt or Jeremy were stuck with the opening shift, but decided against it. Bringing them into her "insane vampire" drama would be beyond selfish, especially since they'd both been held hostage by a crazed hunter only a day before. Finally she settled on a walk around the park to clear her head.

Her heart dropped as she watched a young couple push a stroller with a newborn baby, remembering she would never be able to have a child of her own. Life fled from her presence, but death nipped at her heels wherever she went.

Closing her eyes, Elena leaned against an old maple tree, passively wondering if her presence would cause it to wither.

"Elena, are you okay?"

She snapped open her eyes. Matt smiled and held out his wrist. Blood dripped down his arm and pooled onto the ground.

"I thought you might want some more," he said. "Remember how you almost killed me last time? It's okay. It's your nature. It's what you're supposed to do."

"No. You're not real," Elena turned and walked away from him.

Going into town on her own had been a mistake. Why hadn't she listened to Stefan? Elena picked up her pace. There were people everywhere. Blood everywhere. They all had puncture marks in their necks, their wrists. Blood flowed from their veins and drenched their shirts. There was so much of it everywhere. It smelled amazing. She locked eyes with a middle-aged man who bled so heavily from the neck that it gushed out, spraying like a fountain. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the tantalizing scent, but she couldn't fight her instincts.

Elena's face flushed. Her fangs came out.

_This isn't real. Control yourself. Control yourself._

Her eyes met those of a pretty, brunette girl. Elena watched as blood trickled down her neck. Overcome with hunger, Elena lunged forward. She pulled her behind a building and sank her fangs deep into the girl's neck. When brunette screamed, Elena covered her mouth.

"Shut up."

She drank deeply, completely unencumbered, reveling in the sweet, warm taste the nameless girl's blood. She wasn't a person, but a tool. Something to be enjoyed and savored, but certainly not pitied.

"Elena, stop!"

A strong arm thrust her away from the girl and knocked her to the ground. She shook her head, regaining her balance as Damon bit into his own wrist and fed the victim his blood.

"Go home and forget this ever happened," he said.

The girl scampered away as quickly as her weakened body would let her.

"What are you doing?" Damon asked. "Feeding in broad daylight? Anybody could've seen you!"

She could feel her fangs retract. Oh, God. What had she done? That poor girl. Elena wiped the blood from her mouth, fighting back tears.

"I… I don't know what happened," she stuttered. "First, everything was okay. And then Matt was here, and then there was blood everywhere! I lost control! I almost… Oh, God… Damon, what's happening to me?"

"Hey," he said soothingly, moving close to her. "It's okay. We'll figure it out."

Damon wiped a tear from Elena's cheek and ran his fingers through her hair. She lay her head on his chest, gripping his shirt with her shaking hands. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he hugged her tight.

"I don't wanna kill anybody else," she sobbed.

"I know you don't," he whispered. "But remember, I'm here for you, whether you do or not. I'll help you through this no matter what it takes, Elena."

She calmed herself with his slow, steady breaths. It felt so familiar, just like the night before.

But that had never happened. Their encounter existed only in her mind. It meant everything to her, but nothing to him. How could Elena know that the Damon who stood before her now was real? What if he was nothing more than the continuing torture that this curse subjected her to?

She pulled away from his embrace.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't… I can't…"

She turned away from him and ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She needed something tangible. Something that made her feel real, no matter what pain it had caused her in the past.

Elena didn't stop until she reached Wickery Bridge, panting and grief-stricken. She leaned over the rails and stared down into the depths that had killed her parents. The same depths that managed to kill her a year later. Whenever Elena thought of tragedy, she thought of Wickery Bridge.

"Elena, what are you doing?" Damon called as he caught up with her.

"Stay away!" she yelled.

"What's going on?"

"How do I even know you're real?"

Damon rushed up to her and grabbed her wrist. Elena tried to pull away, but his strength outmatched hers.

"Because I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere."

She pulled out of his hold. "I can't know that."

Damon sighed, folding his arms over the railing and looking down at the water. "Why would you come here, of all places?"

Elena shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because it's the last place I saw my parents alive. It's the last place I was human. When I was human, I knew where my life was going, more or less. I wanted to get married, have kids, and, I dunno, die in my sleep in old age. Now that can never happen. I'm just some crazy, bloodthirsty vampire who's in danger of coming unhinged at any second."

"Elena, I-"

"Maybe I should just put an end to it; you know?" she fiddled with her ring. "What's my life compared to the countless people I'll slaughter?"

"No," Damon pulled her hand away from the ring and entwined his fingers in hers. "I'll help you get through this. Look, maybe you can never have the normal life you wanted, but that doesn't mean it has to end. I'll be here to help you adjust, no matter how long it takes."

Elena moved back, but held his hand tight. "How do I even know you're real?"

Damon put his hand on her cheek. "Because I'm here now. Feel this. This is real. I'm real. I'm not going to leave you."

When he leaned in close, Elena could smell his minty shampoo. His breath felt warm on her neck. When she leaned up, her lips were met with soft, soothing kisses. Damon pulled her close and hugged her tight. In that moment, she forgot about blood. Her hallucinations faded into the back of her mind. The countless tragedies floated away like a distant dream.

And she knew he was real.

* * *

Gyahh... That last bit was so fun to write. Also, I swear that TVD fanfics are the only thing that keep me sane while I wait for Thursday. Season 4 is so good! Anyway, thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"She's not going to be happy…" Elena said. "I don't see why we should involve her. You know she can't do magic."

"In case you haven't noticed, there aren't that many witches on my good side," Damon knocked harder on Bonnie's door. "C'mon, Bonnie…"

"But we're going to have to tell her what happened. She'll never forgive me if she finds out what I did."

"What's up?" Bonne answered the door at last. She frowned, staring at Damon. "You don't make house calls unless something's wrong."

He leaned against the doorway. "Oh, you know you enjoy my company…"

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "Elena, what does he need?"

"It's me, actually. I'm having an adjustment issue. A major one. It's not… normal," she explained. "We thought you might have an answer in one of your grimoires."

"What's going on?" Bonnie asked. "I mean, I'll help in any way I can, but you know my magic's still kind of on the fritz, right?"

"I know," said Elena. "But if you can point me in the right direction…"

"Of course," Bonnie swung open the door. "It might take some research, but I'm sure we'll be able to find out what's going on."

Elena tried to follow her, but an invisible force stopped her foot at the doorway. Damn, that was annoying. She wondered if she'd ever get used to it.

"Um… Bonnie?"

"Oh, oops! Sorry, I kinda forgot," Bonnie laughed awkwardly. "Come on in, Elena."

"Really?" Damon scoffed.

"Okay, fine… Damon, you can come in, too."

"Why do I always get such reluctant invitations?"

Bonnie led them up to her room and started leafing through a thick, old grimoire. "I'm going to need some details. Vampire adjustment issues, you said?"

"Something like that," Elena took a seat on the floor and picked up a spell book. "I've been having these weird hallucinations. They started yesterday."

"What kind of hallucinations?"

Elena gulped. "Blood, mostly."

"Mostly," Damon quipped.

"I don't remember Caroline and Abby going through any of that. Maybe it's because you're a doppelganger."

Elena's stomach twisted. Bonnie was the last person to whom she wanted to divulge her secret. She put the protection of humans as her top priority. Although Connor seemed like a deranged killer to most vampire sympathizers, she was certain Bonnie, at least to some extent, understood his motives.

"She killed the hunter," Damon said. "Purely self-defense."

"Oh… um… wow," Bonnie shook her head.

Staring down at the grimoire, Elena refused to meet Bonnie's eyes. "When he staked me, he barely missed my heart. I know it was terrible, but in the moment-"

"Hey, no, no," Bonnie quieted her rant. "Am I shocked? Yeah, a little bit. But… like Damon said, it was self-defense. I can't really fault you for protecting your friends and family. Actually, I've heard of something like this before."

Setting down her grimoire, Bonnie hopped up and grabbed another book from the shelf. "Back in the Middle Ages, vampires ran rampant through Europe, and they were way more blatant about it than they are today. As in, everybody knew they were out there. Witches saw this as a problem. The fact that vampires even existed was the fault of a witch, so they saw it as their responsibility to destroy them. Because of this, witches would sometimes give hunters special powers. Enhanced strength. Agility. Versatility."

"That explains why Connor was so damn strong," said Damon.

"Not only that, but they put a spell on the hunters that caused a vampire to lapse into madness if they killed one," Bonnie explained "It was a way to convince them to run off rather than kill."

"And you're just telling us this now?" Damon yelled.

"It's not something I even thought about!" Bonnie slammed the book shut. "How was I supposed to know this guy had witchcraft on his side? The important thing is, there's a cure. A spell."

Elena breathed a sigh of relief. "Do you think you can do it?"

"I can try," said Bonnie. "I've been meditating with Professor Shane to get my abilities back. It's working so far, but I've only tried some minor spells. What we're talking about here is pretty intense."

"What do you mean?" Elena asked.

"I'd actually need to… well, get into your mind," Bonnie grabbed another spell book and flipped through the tattered pages. "If I can get to the source of the curse, I can expel it."

"If that's what it takes, then okay," she agreed. "I can't keep putting people's lives at risk."

Bonnie stood up and grabbed three thick, white candles from her table. She set them on the ground and struck a match, instructing Elena to lie on her back. Placing her fingers on Elena's temples, Bonnie recited the spell.

Elena felt her consciousness slip further and further away with every word. She floated deep into her mind, completely unaware of the room around her. Suddenly she was back in her cell, moments from death, grappling for the dead man's blood. The first taste was like honey on her lips.

As the memory swirled away, Elena found herself on the balcony of Fell's Church. She released her fangs and lunged at April. Snapping back to her kitchen, Elena squeezed Matt's arm, drinking deeply.

She was at the frat party, half-draining dumb college boys. Dancing with Damon, she lost all control of herself. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I want more," she whispered. Wanted more what? More blood, or more of him?

She stood in front of Connor, lurching forward in pain as he ran a stake through her chest.

"You missed," she snapped his neck and let his body slump to the ground.

Blood covered her bathroom. KILLER.

Damon moved inside her, and she arched her back up, giving into his movements.

Matt held out his bloody wrist.

Elena ran through the blood-covered bodies, pushing the brunette girl against the wall and digging her fangs deep into her neck.

She struggled with her ring. Damon held her close and kissed her, igniting a fire she had tried so desperately to repress.

"Elena? Elena!" Bonnie called from far away.

Elena shook herself back to reality and slowly sat up. "Did it work?"

Bonnie inched away from her. "I… I think so."

"So… all that stuff that flashed through my mind," Elena hesitated. "Did you see it?"

"Kinda, yeah," Bonnie frowned. "I didn't know that would happen."

"Great," she mumbled.

"So that's it? Problem solved?" asked Damon.

"As far as I can tell. Remember, though, I'm not exactly at full power."

"Thanks," Elena made her way toward the door, refusing to face her friend.

"Look; I'm sure it worked," Damon grabbed Elena's hand. "And even if it didn't, we'll figure this out."

Bonnie raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet.

Elena breathed a sigh of relief as Damon closed the door behind them.

"So that was one of the most awkward moments ever," Damon said. "What the hell did her spell do to you?"

"Bonnie got into my mind somehow. Made me start reliving some of the memories I've had since I turned."

"What memories?"

"All the ones that I really didn't want her to know about. The Connor thing, in full detail. Me drinking from people. Even the hallucinations."

"Of course," Damon said. "That explains the pissed off look on her face. Not that she doesn't always look pissed off…"

Elena snickered.

"Really?"

"What?"

"That's the first time you've ever laughed when I've taken a stab at Bonnie, and my witch jokes are pretty much an everyday occurrence."

"I don't know," Elena said. "Maybe it's just easier to laugh than admit she's on the fast track to hating me."

"That's my girl," he put his hand around her shoulders.

Her heart raced. Elena desperately wanted to feel his touch. She wanted to wrap her arm around his back, lay her head on his shoulder, and sink into him. Fighting her instincts, she pulled away.

"We should go back to your place," Elena said. "I feel like I at least owe Stefan an explanation."

They returned to the boarding house to find that Stefan had left. Despite her betrayal, she knew Stefan had gone out searching for a way to help her. And yet that overwhelming part of her still couldn't resist Damon.

"Want a drink to celebrate?" Damon reached into the cabinet and pulled out two glasses.

"I already violated my no-drinking-before-noon rule once today," she said. "Besides, we're not even sure my hallucinations are gone yet. You don't need a crazy, _drunk _vampire on your hands."

He slid her a glass. "No drinking before noon? What high standards you have."

Elena smiled.

"C'mon…" Damon picked up his whiskey, taunting her. "Just one drink."

"I don't think so," she moved and close and stole the glass from his hand. "You should rethink yours, too."

"Why?" Damon pulled Elena toward him.

"I need you sharp in case I lose control again."

"I'm always sharp."

Elena turned at the sound of the door. Stefan slammed it behind him and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh, sorry; am I interrupting something?" he spat. "Please, continue. Pretend I'm not even here."

"Stefan, I-"

"Just drop it, Elena," Stefan said. "You made yourself clear earlier. If Bonnie turns out to be a bust, I tracked down a witch a couple of counties over. We'll probably have to bribe her to get her to work with us, though."

"Thanks for looking so far into it," Elena stepped away from Damon. "I'm pretty sure Bonnie cured me, though. She can use magic again."

"Nice of you to fill me in."

"Damon, do you think you could give Stefan and me a moment?"

He rolled his eyes, but walked out of the room nonetheless.

"Look… Stefan, I'm sorry," Elena muttered. "I just… I really appreciate your help. Just please understand that I'm still trying to figure out what I want. I barely recognize myself anymore."

Stefan snorted. "I'm _so _surprised."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We'll be driving hover cars by the time you figure out what you want, Elena," Stefan said.

"Listen, Stefan, I-"

"Is this the part where you try to let me off easy? The part where you tell me 'it's not you; it's me?'"

Elena held back her tears, determined to be strong. "Why are you doing this?"

His jaw dropped. "Really? Why am _I _doing this? I tried to ignore it. I tried to rationalize. I told myself you were a new vampire, that you needed time to adjust. When you burst in here this morning claiming that you weren't sure where our relationship was going, I told myself it was because of the hallucinations. When I came back to tell you I spent my whole morning trying to get a hold of this witch, not only were you getting up close and personal with my brother, but you'd also solved the problem without even letting me know!"

"You know what? You're right," Elena threw her hands up in frustration. "I can't even defend myself. I can't even promise I won't do it again. Why? Because apparently I have no self-control anymore!"

Stefan shook his head. "Damon was right all along. I knew you'd be going through a lot of changes, but I really believed we could make it work. That lasted all of about three seconds."

"Stefan, I-"

"Drop it, Elena. It's done. There's nothing more to say."

With that, Stefan walked out the door and shut it firmly behind him.

Elena's emotions consumed her. Closing her eyes, she desperately tried to shut them out. She didn't understand how she could feel so much at once. The guilt of lying to Stefan. The hopelessness of living as a bloodthirsty fiend until, one day, she met an inevitably gruesome end. Vampires didn't die in their sleep. They were staked. Poisoned. Charred by the sun.

"Hello, Elena."

She snapped open her eyes.

"Did you miss me?" Katherine sauntered through the living room.

"No," Elena jumped backward. "You're not real."

Katherine smiled. "So you finally dropped Stefan. Decided was time to take Damon for a test drive. Trust me; it's well worth it. They both are. Why enjoy one Salvatore when you can have two? I have to admit it; I envy you. You'll have them vying for your attention like stray puppies for all of eternity. That's what you really want; isn't it?"

"Shut. Up," Elena ordered.

"Or you'll what? Get angry and try to kill me?" Katherine laughed. "You're walking a fine line. Why not just give in? It feels so good to just… let go. But you already know about that. Congratulations on the hunter, by the way. You make me proud."

"This isn't happening," Elena turned her back on Katherine and headed upstairs. She had to find Damon. He would confirm her suspicion.

"What's wrong, Elena?" Katherine called. "Afraid you're already turning into me?"

Elena burst into Damon's room, fighting back sobs of sadness and frustration. Why did vampires have to be so damn emotional?

"You okay?" Damon set down his book. "That must've been one hell of a fight."

"He… I can't… he broke up with me," she stammered. "And the hallucinations…"

"Hey, it's okay," Damon patted the spot on the bed next to him.

Elena nestled in between his arm and chest, and he held her tight.

Kissing the top of her head, Damon ran his fingers through her hair. "What did you see?"

"Katherine."

"Ugh. Worst hallucination ever."

"She told me that I'm turning into her."

"That imaginary bitch."

"But what if she's right?"

"Look at me," he stroked Elena's face with his thumb. "You're nothing like Katherine. You don't have to be anything like Stefan, or me, or anybody else. You're new at this. It takes time. The point is, you're still your own person, and you don't have to fall into what anybody else wants. What you become… that's for you to decide. No one can tell you what to do or who to be."

Elena knew he was right, but she just couldn't embrace it. It went against everything she knew about being a vampire. Still, what Damon said made sense. She'd be damned if she didn't at least fight this thing.

She pulled Damon's face toward hers and kissed him deeply. Passion ignited inside of her, but it felt different than before. It came from mutual understanding. Empathy. Respect. In Damon's arms, Elena finally let her exhausted mind rest. She let herself drift into a quiet slumber, knowing he would be there when she woke.

* * *

**Author's Note: **So, yeah, there's Chapter Three! It was my goal to finish the story before the next episode aired, but unfortunately, I don't see that happening. I WILL finish it; it'll just be slightly AU after tomorrow. Or tonight, for all of you from EST through PST people. I have to wait until they upload it on Hulu. It's a terrible waiting game.

Expect the fourth chapter to be the climax and resolution, and the fifth to be our falling action. Of course, that doesn't mean that there won't be a _different _type of climax in Chapter Five...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Elena woke up still cradled in Damon's arms. Turning on her side, she wrapped her arm around his back. He stirred at her movement.

"Good morning, sunshine," Damon yawned.

Elena laughed. "We were only out for a couple hours."

"Hey, I'm still half asleep. Cut me a break."

"I know," she rolled out of bed. "I'm gonna go downstairs and get something to drink. Do you want anything?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?"

"Damon, it's not like I'm going mountain climbing. I'm making a trip to the kitchen. If anything happens, I'll call for you."

"Okay… Just grab me a blood bag from the fridge."

"Lucky," Elena sneered.

"Sorry I wasn't born a doppelganger," Damon said. "Besides, you already had a snack this morning."

"_Not _funny."

"You're right; you're right…"

As Elena made her way to the kitchen, she kept her eyes open for any signs of the curse coming back. She knew the hallucinations could start at any moment, but she refused to let them shake her any more than they already had.

She opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bag of blood and a pop. Elena eyed the red liquid enviously, wishing she could tear into the bag and suck it dry.

"Looks delicious, doesn't it?"

Elena gasped. "Aunt Jenna?"

"In the flesh," Jenna casually took a seat at the table. "Well, actually, not so much the _flesh_, thanks to you."

"No," Elena turned away. "You're not here. You're not real."

"Are you sure?"

Elena tried to walk away, but Jenna blocked her path.

"I was like you once, Elena. Even if I was the shortest-lived vampire ever," said Jenna. "Actually, now that I think about it… if it weren't for you, I'd probably still be alive. Don't you find it funny how death follows you everywhere?"

Pushing Jenna out of the way, Elena tried to run to the staircase. Jeremy darted out in front of her.

"Jer? No…"

"What's wrong, Elena?" he asked, raising a stake over his head. "Afraid I'm going to kill you before you get the chance to kill me?"

"I'd never do that! I killed Connor for you!"

Jeremy ignored her. "A few months ago we were two regular kids in a seriously screwed up situation. But we've both changed. One of us for the better. One of us for the worse."

"Jeremy, please," Elena begged. "You're the only family I've got left. We have to stick together on this."

"But you're not my family!" Jeremy yelled. "You're not my sister anymore. You're just like the rest of them. You'll rip people apart like Stefan. You'll lose control and kill people on a whim, just like Damon. You don't even care anymore. Remember when he snapped my neck without even thinking? Oh, wait. I guess you can relate now."

"I did that to save you," she backed up.

"Come on. Connor wouldn't have killed me, and you know it," Jeremy fiddled with the stake. "He protected humans. He just wanted to get at you and the rest of the freaks."

He rushed Elena. She ducked down, covering her head with her arms. When she opened her eyes, Jeremy was gone. Breathing a sigh of relief, Elena steadied herself against the wall.

Bonnie appeared before her, hands on her hips. "Why do I even bother helping you anymore? I should've known that spell would never work. You're too far gone."

"What? That doesn't even-"

"The only reason I got involved in this vampire business was to protect the people I love. My grams taught me that it was a witch's job to protect family and friends first and foremost. But Grams wasn't stupid like me. She recognized that witches and vampires could never really be friends. You're disgusting."

"No. No, you'd never-"

"Elena!" Damon darted down the stairs and grabbed her by the shoulders. "They're not real. There's nobody there. It's okay."

Alaric stood at her side. "I always taught you to be cautious around vampires. I taught you to defend yourself so you wouldn't turn into Isobel."

"I'm nothing like her!"

"Elena! Just focus on me, not them," Damon begged.

She pulled away from Damon, only to be confronted by Caroline.

"Don't you have any self-control?" she asked. "After all Stefan's done for you, you still want his brother. Do you have any idea how selfish that is? Or do you just not care anymore?"

"Stop saying you weren't yourself, Elena!" Bonnie said coldly. "From the moment I saw you at that party, I knew you were gone for good. All that time I spent trying to save you was for nothing. I would've never bothered if I knew this was what you would become."

"No, no, no!" Elena screamed. Rage overtook her judgment. She wanted to drain them. Stab them. Snap their necks. Anything to make it stop. Elena didn't care that they were her friends and family. In that moment, her anger and hatred trumped their worth. She ripped a leg from the closest chair, ready to stab the next person who interrogated her.

Elena spun around and swung. Damon sped out in front of her, grabbing her arm and holding it steady.

"Let go of me!" she growled. "I know I'm a freak! I'm a terrible person! I shouldn't exist! Go ahead and tell me! Everybody else is!"

"Elena, no," Damon said calmly as he ripped the stake from her hand and threw it on the ground. He held her wrists tight and stared into her eyes. "I'm not gonna do that. Just calm down, okay? I'll help you through this. I'm here. This is real. Remember what I told you?"

Her arms shook violently. "I…"

Damon placed her clenched fist over his heart. "You know I'm real. I'd never leave you alone with this curse."

He wasn't insulting her or calling her a killer. He didn't bring up the countless times she rejected him in favor of Stefan. He just stood there and held her. Elena sunk into his embrace, and Damon wrapped his arms around her.

She opened her eyes and peered over Damon's shoulder.

Stefan shook his head. "I was kidding myself if I thought it'd actually work between us. Look at you. You're so fickle."

"I warned you about Damon," said Jenna. "But a vampire wants what a vampire wants. They only care about pleasing themselves."

Connor stood next to her, his shirt drenched in blood. "I hope it was worth it, freak."

"Want some more blood, Elena?" asked Matt.

"You can have some of mine," April moved her hair out of the way to expose her neck. "I'm so proud. I came really close to becoming your first victim."

"Damon, they won't go away…" Elena whispered.

"Shh…" he rubbed her back. "Don't look at them. Don't listen to them. Just focus on me."

She buried her face in his shoulder.

"Tune them out," Damon said. "Listen to me. You're not Stefan. You're not me. You're _definitely _not Katherine. You're your own person. And even if you're still figuring out who that is, that's okay. It took me hundreds of years to adjust. There's no hurry. I'll be here for as long as it takes. We have all the time in the world."

Her hallucinations persisted, but she tuned them out. Elena focused her energy on Damon's touch. On the thoughts that circled her mind.

"I'm not the same person anymore," she said.

"No, you're not," Damon stroked her hair. "But that's okay. You need to accept it if you wanna get through this."

Elena thought back to the moment Connor tried to stake her. The rage she felt. The intense pleasure of snapping his neck. It was wrong, and she knew it. At the same time, the havoc Connor had caused was inexcusable. He had tried to kill nearly all of her friends - even the human ones. Being a vampire hunter was one thing, but his tactics were reserved for the true scum of the earth. In truth, Connor was more like Klaus than Jeremy. And he was human.

She opened her eyes and nudged Damon out of the way. Connor appeared in front of her, smiling smugly. Grabbing the stake from the floor, Elena inched toward her victim.

"So what? I killed you," Elena said, her voice drenched in hate. "Maybe I'll kill more people. I don't know. But you wanna know what I do know?"

"What's that?"

"I might be a murderer," she rammed the stake through Connor's ribs. "But you're no better than me."

As she pulled the stake from his chest, Connor crumpled to the floor and groaned in pain. He disappeared as suddenly has he had come.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Elena let the weapon clunk to the floor.

"Okay, so I'm a little confused," said Damon. Did you just stab the air, or…"

"It was Connor," she explained. "It's finally over."

* * *

"Thanks for walking me home," Elena said as they stepped onto her porch.

"Well, we had to make sure it was gone for good."

"Seems like it is."

"So what Bonnie did actually worked," Damon shook his head. "I never would've guessed."

"I think acceptance was the key to the spell. And everything you said… it helped me accept the person I've become," she admitted. "You know… In the end, the curse actually helped me. I'm not human. I feel different. And I want different things."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… Klaus was totally right about the hallucinations. Sure, most of the time they brought out my greatest fears. But there was the desire side of it, too."

Damon smiled wryly. "Your dream."

Elena hesitated. Despite her problems, the dream was still fresh in her mind. Because of it, she felt closer to Damon than ever before. Still, it was a memory only she held. That night, their first time together... it had never really happened. She couldn't hold back her thoughts any longer.

"We haven't really talked about what's been going on between us," she said. "With the curse and everything."

Damon moved toward her. "You know how I feel, Elena. I don't care if you're human. I don't care if you're a vampire. You mean the same to me as you did back then."

"And if being a vampire starts to consume me," she reached for his hand. "You'll be there to pull me back?"

"You pulled _me_ back from a very dangerous ledge," he said. "When I think about who I was even a year ago… I mean, sure, I knew how to have fun, but if you got on my bad side…"

She rubbed Damon's palm with her thumb. "Sometimes I forget about that. It seems like such a long time ago."

"Like a lifetime ago. And I know a thing or two about lifetimes."

Elena cleared her throat. "Look. I, um… This stuff's always been kind of hard for me to say. Especially to you. For so long I told myself that this wasn't what I wanted. Even after I turned. But the truth is… when I became a vampire, I wanted this more than anything. I wanted you."

Damon smiled softly. Cupping his hand under her chin, he drew her in close.

"It's just so hard for me to say exactly what I mean," she whispered.

He kissed her gently. "You don't need to say anything."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Four down, one to go! What could possibly happen in the next chapter? Hmm… Probably not all that hard to guess. ;)

In the rest of the note, I'm going to talk about some **spoilery **topics, so I'm warning you now. If you haven't seen the preview for the next episode, you might not want to read this stuff.

I decided to use Jeremy as a hallucination because today I realized how damn ironic Elena and Damon's "neck snapping incidents" were. Hear me out if you're interested my quasi-literary analysis.

Damon snapped Jeremy's neck because he was fed up with the fact that Elena said she would always choose Stefan over him. In a wonderfully beautiful parallel, Elena snaps Connor's neck (in a very Damon-like style) to SAVE Jeremy. The fact that she's more like Damon gives her the strength to save her brother, even though Damon's impulsive demeanor is what caused Jeremy's death in the first place. However, it was Elena's humanity that brought out the good in him, despite the fact that he kept making mistakes. Lo and behold, he's turned into one of the more moral characters on this show (I say "more moral" because, come on, almost everybody's a dark shade of gray on TVD.) That's what makes him perfect for Elena. That's why, now, she's choosing Damon. As she encounters problems with her own humanity, Damon's humanity will be there to pull her back. THAT is how you do situational irony. It's one of many, many examples of what makes this show so good, and I really applaud the writers and producers for bringing it such depth.

Okay, sorry. I majored in English. Sometimes I need to be a lit nerd and express these things. Anyway, how 'bout last week's episode? Amazing, IMO. And the preview for the episode the week after Thanksgiving? I geeked out. If you live under a rock and haven't seen it, you seriously need to head over to YouTube.

I hope you liked this chapter! I'll be updating soon.


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